Undine's Journal

Subject:	Back from a huge depression and re-evaluation of life.....
Time:	7:20 pm.

Make a bad habit of slipping off into my own little world far too often.Sorry for loss of contact.
The last time I posted was just before I disappeared to Afica on a trip which has since changed my life. It was both beautiful and extremely upsetting. People somehow scratch a living together on very, very little. Yet, everyone is friendly and extremely hospitable. I met the most amazing people and the music was fantastic. I tried to have lessons on the djembe (West African drum) and kora (cross between a lute and harp-made from a gourd and fishing wire) as often as possible.
Since I got back, I slipped into a world of guilt for having had so much yet never fully appreciating it. I found it hard to go down the pub with friends because their talk of stuff like Big Brother seemed so mundane and like complete bullshit after what I'd seen. I became extremely self righteous, telling people how lucky we all are at the most inappropriate times and pissed a few of my mates off. I spent weeks eating nothing but rice and watching no tv, just to make a point to myself really.
Anyway, I am coming to terms with it all now, and I'm doing what I can to raise moneyto help people over there. Hopefully, next year I will go back.

My course finishes on Wednesday, and it looks as though I passed! Cant wait for it all to be over now. It's been the toughest year of my life, but I will survive!

I havent checked my gothic undine mail for around six weeks, so sincere apologies to those people who have yet to receive a reply. Not only have I been scarily busy, but also, I've been too scared to check it as some arse (same address every time) sends me around 5 infected messages each day, so I've been too scared in case I got a virus and lost all of my work. I dont understand all of this kind of stuff, so any help would be appreciated. I'm just in the process of deleting 200 infected messages that my virus checker has quarantined. Hassle.

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Time:

7:32 pm.

Busy, busy, busy!
Getting organised for trip to West Africa next week! Bloody terrified but also excited. Just have no time to keep up with work and preparing for this trip. Trying to set up a link between my school and some kids of a similar age over there. My kids are taking things really seriously, and because they are all posh and rich, they are bringing in lots of things for me to take over to the kids over there.

Also, concerned as just found out how financially screwed I am. I've now gone over my already extended overdraft and I dont get payed til next week. Shit! It's likely to be a quiet weekend.......

Just been reading through my e mails, and I've had some great suggestions from members for future shoots. Cant wait to try them out! Thanks to all of those who have responded. If you're reading this and you have a suggestion, please e mail me.

Back to the work the ironing and scraping the dried on food from my washing up as I've been to busy! I am one wild party princess....this is how I spend my Wednesday nights.

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Subject:	Poorly pussy
Time:	8:48 pm.

My poor pussy cat Clive is injured. His right front paw is twice the size of the other, and although he is walking on it, he keeps holding it up to me and looking at me as if to say 'well do something, for God's sake woman.' At school tomorrow, then rehearsing all evening straight after, so unable to take him to the vet. Poor thing. We have such a deep connection, that I actually feel really sorry for myself too now. Sounds crazy, but he is my familiar, and I feel his pain at times.
A wierd thing happened last night. I went to bed at about 9.30 as I was knackered, and had a phone call on my mobile which woke me up at about 3 am-ish. It was this bloke with a really thick Northern accent asking who I was. I just hung up after sleepily saying he had the wrong number. He rang me back a few minutes later and started having a go at me for texting him and asking him to call me. I didnt have a clue who he was, and he was really rude, even though HE woke ME up. Anyway, I was watching the news earlier about the war, and Huw Edwards said the attack on Iraq started at around 3am, and a big chill went down my spine. A bizarre co-incidence, but it freaked me right out for some reason! Feeling so on edge. I have to do a session on the war with my tutor group tomorrow to reassure them about a few things. Trouble is, I'm terrified myself about what is going on.
Trying to send some healing out to those suffering.

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Time:

8:25 pm.

My teaching was observed today, and it was OK. Just a bit sick of her moaning about stuff that hasnt been done when I've been working so hard.
Got an interview Friday with an Inclusion officer who works with kids who have been excluded from mainstream education for one reason or another (usually because they are far too badly behaved), and hoping I get offered something with them in the Summer. It'll only be one day a week, but it'll be such good experience for me.
Anyway, enough of skool. It's just doing my head in. At the moment I do nothing else but think about it and it's just taking over.

I just never learn my lesson! I set two mates up on the weekend, and they went out on a hot date. Little did I know-he has a girlfriend! They endedup in bed together anyway, but they both really like eachother and I'm right in the middle of it. Apparently he loves his girlfriend and that really worries me. It seems like so many people use that word so lightly. If he really loved her, he wouldnt be jumping into bed with another woman. Now I keep getting text messages from both of them asking whatb they should do. I'm staying out of it.

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Subject:	Gothic children
Time:	8:13 pm.

Ha ha! Iam really nervous as I am being formally observed by my university tutor at school tommorrow. However, the lesson she is coming to see is on film music, and the kids are going to watch some of Bram Stoker's Dracula (the Coppola version) and write an underscore for it! Really excited! Such a gothy film! They'll love it and I bet my tutor will hate it!
The thing is that I have loads to do, but I just cant get my ass in gear. Neil is coming round soon, and I havent managed to do much all night as I've been watching the news and freaking myself out about this fucking war. Talking to various people, and also being a freaky kind of person who picks up vibes, me and lots of my friends and family have a really bad feeling about what is going on. Neil in particular says he has had a feeling of foreboding since before Xmas and just cant shake it off. I guess it's just the international state of mind at the moment.
I'm off to the Gambia in a couple of weeks to teach and my family are terrified about me going because of what's going on in the world. It's making me worry too. Cant not go though, it'll be the experience of a lifetime, and I've never been further than Italy! Ever!
Anyway, less procrastination, more work.

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Time:	9:26 pm.
Mood:	touched.

I feel much better today. I had a massive chat with N about my worries concerning the site and he put my mind at rest. Apparently, a teacher at his school did a similar thing. She still has a job, and yes, it was embarrassing when some of the kids discovered the pics (not sure how, as it was before the days of the internet), but she got through it, and to his knowledge she still works there.
N is really proud of the site and the pictures, and so am I. They are classy and tasteful, and I may not be a supermodel, but I'm not ashamed of the way I look.
I think I am so lucky to have been able to do the site. Most of all though, I am lucky to have fulfilled my dream of doing this with Ian and Vail. Without Ian's support and putting up with my questions and demands, I dont know whether I'd still be wanting to go back and shoot again, even though I've been having worries. In fact, I cant wait to shoot again! I cant begin to imagine how worried I would be if Ian was one of those nasty porn photographers that you hear about all of the time. Instead, he actually gives a shit about the girls on the sites and that has to come across in the pictures. The girls are bound to feel much more comfortable, therefore the pictures have to be better and show the model in a more natural, sexy state.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm absolutely touched to think that Ian cares about my feelings and the site. :-) What an all round nice, genuine chap he is.

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Time:	12:48 pm.
Mood:	worried.
Music:	Joni Mitchell: Greatest Hits.

Well, I had an interview on Tuesday, and I got the job! The only drawback is that I could be wearing a bullet proof vest to school (joke!!!)!! It will be tough, but I am up for trying to inspire those kids. I start in September. And I get a free laptop! Woohoo!
Out on the piste last night and I was playing Cilla trying to set up two of my friends. It seems to be succseful as she's just text me asking for his number! It's a lorra lorra laughs!! Hope it works out ok. I've done this before and it all went horribly pear shaped and I was in the middle of it all.
Anyway, last night was a scream. I felt as though I was about 45 years old! We were by far the oldest people in there by about 10 years. It was scary. I was also worried that I might have seen some of my students, but luckily I didnt. Then again, I was so drunk I couldnt see very far anyway! Didnt know any of the music all night apart from MM's Tainted Love which I had a dance to. I'm officially getting old.
A friend of mine confessed he had found the gothicundine site and had stumbled on it by accident. He said he really liked it and that it was very classy. I wasnt embarassed at all, but it has started to really worry me. I dont want the students to find out about it, or any of the other staff. I'm not sure what it would do to my career. Then again, I look different now, and I wear my glasses to work, so maybe the pics dont look that much like me any more. I just keep having this nightmare scenario in my head-I get to school to find someone has photocopied some of the pics and plastered them everywhere for all to see. Would I lose my job? I dont know. They are classy and tasteful though. It's not like they're slutty open leg shots or anything. Hmm.....

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Time:	6:21 pm.
Mood:	angry.

We went out for a friend's birthday last night to a club on a boat. It was a cool night apart from one thing-the absolutely shocking price of drinks. A pint of Blackthorn and Stella a complete bargain (!) at £6.30!!!!! I thought the bartender was joking! The cheapest drink in there was cans, yes CANS of Red Stripe for a mere £2.90!!!! You could buy a four pack of that shite for that! Absolutely shocking. What is the world coming to?

Had a lovely morning relaxing today. The sun was out and we sat in the conservatory with the window wide open and ate the fried brekky I made. It was a perfect morning.

Went to my parents for Sunday roast, but it was terrible, because my Gran had her purse stolen with £70 cash inside and all of her cards. My mum had taken her shopping and some scab must have taken it from her when she was going around the shop. Unbelievable. I feel really upset about it. Really, if you feel you absolutely have to steal, why pick on old ladies? It's sick and gutless. Mind you, had my Gran caught the scum bag I reckon she would have given him/her a run for their money by giving the cretin a good old 'clip 'round the ear 'ole'. Bastards.

Anyway, came home and Clive was going mad being left on his own all day and was really playful. So playful that he fell from the top bannister in my hallway all the way onto the low end of the piano-about 12 feet, making a huge noise and frightening the poor little thing to death! In fact, last week when it was really warm, he sat outside of my bedroom window, but on discovering he was unable to turn around to come back in, just jumped off 15 odd feet to the ground! He didnt hurt himself though. He was just a little shaken up! When he came back in he tried to do the same thing again and I had to grab him back in! Crazy moggie. That's two of his nine lives gone and he's only two years old!

Feeling rather nervous as I have a job interview on Tuesday. I really want the post, but part of me thinks not to bother going as I have no chance. They have narrowed the applicants down to four so I guess it hads to be a 1 in 4 chance. We shall see.

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Subject:	First day at uni
Time:	6:35 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	Rachid Taha: Made in Medina.

Yes, today was my first day at uni. I felt sick all morning and slept really badly last night. We had a collective lecture first then split off into subject groups. My subject tutor is wonderful. Very friendly and approachable, which no doubt helps on a course like mine.
The other students were all very friendly. One or two very well spoken girls who had clearly had private school educations were a little bit stuck up. There wasnt really anyone I could see myself becoming really friendly with, but we all got on well, which is good as quite often I dont gel with other musicians.
I'm quite exhausted and we've been bombarded with information, but i'm hopeful that I will enjoy myself and will be motivated to work hard.
Still cant quite believe that I am studying a post graduate course at a really good uni! I feel very grown up and responsible (even though I'm normally not either!).
I'm also well chuffed that I was selected to take part in a Special Educational Needs module (only ten out of 250 were selected!) that involves being assigned to an older teenager who is unable to read or write. I will work with this person for a year. How rewarding will that be! I'm really looking forward to it.
It's also great to find that even though my brain has been out of gear for three years, I still have some grey matter that functions!
I have a presentation to do by Friday and I'm doing it on an Algerian musician called Rachid Taha. It's wonderful. Lots of Arabic melodies and obscure instruments used with heavily distorted guitars! A completely different and bizarre sound world.

On a completely different note, we had our first member sign up to the site today! (http://www.gothicundine.com/)I'm extremely chuffed, and also pleased for Ian as he's worked so hard on it. And even if I do do say so myself, I think it looks pretty good!

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Subject:	Bring back cutting off hands!
Time:	1:29 pm.
Mood:	angry.

Haven't posted for ages again! However, I actually have an excuse this time-I've been moving house!
The move went relatively well. I did most of it myself in my car. My mum and dad did a load for me. I've been really happy now that I have my own space and I'm getting on much better with the folks now that I only see them occasionally.
The house is great. I must get the piano tuned though as it sounds bloody awful at the moment. I dont see too much of my housemates as we all do our own thing and we all work shifts. That suits me just fine.
HOWEVER, just one slight mishap. It is a bit of a shite area, as I discovered last week. I left the house at eight in the evening to go out (it was still light) and I'd only left the car for three hours. (Just to fill everyone in; I only took my test last year after three failed attempts and had only had my sexy Austin Metro since Feb of this year and it was my very first car, so I ;loved it to bits even though it was a piece of junk). I go to get in my car but it had gone. I walk around the block thinking either my housemates were winding me up or the handbreak had failed (well, ok, I could drive with it on, you know). No sign. I start panicking. I go back inside and we drive around looking for it. I realise it had a full tank of petrol and that my poor baby could be in London by now. The police arent particularly sympathetic. They tell me it's the seventh vehicle to be reported that night. Meanwhile I'm getting more and more angry that someone has nicked it. I decide to take action myself and stomp around one of the roughest areas in the city on my own approaching groups of kids and dealers asking if they had seen it (most of them replied: "who the hell would want to nick an F reg metro!"). Not the most sensible thing I have ever done, but there you go. I think if anyone had started anything I would have strangled them as the adrenaline was flowing and I was MAD.
The next day I get a call at work to say it has been recovered. It looks as though it will be a write off. They smashed every window and cracked the wind screen. Obviously they snapped the steering lock and hotwired the ignition.
In the meantime I am having to walk to work in the rain and spend an absolute fortune getting myself home from work in taxis.
The insurance company confirm that the car is a write off.
Little fucking shits is all I can say. If you steel a car, why smash it up for God's sake. I dont understand what on earth that achieves. It's just mindless violence. Bring back cutting off the little bastards' hands, that's what I say! Plus, my work hat was in the back and that is now missing. If I catch anyone with it on I will not be responsible for my actions. I'll keep you all updated. They have internet access in prisons dont they?

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Subject:	Sad
Time:	3:56 pm.
Mood:	sad.

Just this minute said good bye to my wonderful little brother who is off to Australia and New Zealand for three months. We said goodbye yesterday as I didnt think that I would get chance to see him today. However, I managed to pop over to my Mum's and we've just said goodbye and I cant stop bawling! I used to go for months without seeing him when I was at uni, but this seems different as it's not like I can just pop home and see him now!
Wish I could get the cash together to go and see him on his birthday in August, but somehow, I dont think that'll happen now I'm paying more rent!
Anyway, I'm off to work in a bit and I just cant be arsed. Times like this make you realise how much you love your family and how often you take them for granted.
I will miss him like mad.

Oh, I almost forgot:
COME ON ENGERLAND! We can go all the way this time!!!!!

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Subject:	long time no post
Time:	11:45 am.
Mood:	excited.

Oh dear, I havent posted here for ages! I havent even been near my computer for a long while because I've been so busy! Here's what I've been up to:
went to Cardiff with Neil. Visited Castell Coch which was beautiful, and spent some lovely quality time.
Spent a week teaching and thoroughly enjoyed myself (even though one of the little brats announced to the class that I was wearing a pink thong, which was poking out the back of my trousers).
Went to Basingstoke on the weekend, but didnt venture out as there was a murderer on the loose (a severed head and various other body parts found in a park nearby us-murderer has since been caught in New York!), so we just got stuck into Big Brother instead.
Off to do another couple of Blood Dolls shoots this weekend! Very excited!
In between all of that I have found somewhere to live at last! I'm moving next week. It is a lovely shared house with two other girls (one of whom is a hairdresser-yey!. It has a lovely garden and conservatory and my room is pretty cool. It's in a bad area of town, which is the only draw back, but it makes it cheap, sop what the hell!

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Subject:	The Essential Festival:A Review
Time:	8:22 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.

I know it's not very gothy but a couple of us went to the Essential Festival on Monday in Bristol. It was the 'Roots' day, and we thought it would be cool to enjoy the Spring sun with a few drinks listening to some jazz. How wrong we were.
I left my house at 12pm to meet Ruth, and as soon as I get there I realise I had made a large mistake with my attire: it was bloody freezing cold! We trekked off to Asda and R decided she was so cold she would BUY a new top! Meanwhile I think about getting someone to drop my pink yeti coat down, but it was getting a bit late.
We met Martin and Charlie (who are a couple), and trek off to the festival. On the way we stopped for a few drinks at the Avon Gorge Hotel and looked at the lovely view of my favourite city. After three vodkas I felt warmer, but was not comforted by the skliing fleeces M and C were wearing. Think about going home whilst I look at the grey coulds threatening to burst at any second. We think about drinking Malibu to get us in the mood, but the weather is looking shite and there's nowt we can do.
When we get to the festival we buy some cider from some dodgy Scousers and begin to feel a bit tipsy. When we get in we have another drink whilst deciding what to do. (Does anyone see where this is going?).
The first band we see are called Herbaliser (sort of jazz funk with all live musicians save a drummer-they do the music to the Archers ad where the blokes suck their beer guts in) who were ok, and we had a bit of a dance (to keep warm more than anything).
After another few drinks and a bit of a wander we bump into our old GCSE art teacher who hasnt seen us for eight years and he remembered us!
Then Ruth and I need a wee and in true festival style, the toilets are absolutely disgusting and the queues are huge. There were some new fangled portable urinals which were a good idea until some freak who obviously enjoys scaring people decided to start playing with himself in front of a queu of fifty or so women. I did what I thought best (rather than act all girly and disgusted), and laughed out loud and pointed until he sheepishly slimed off.
Whilst waiting for the loo R and I get into an argument with another two girls who seem to think we've pushed in (couldnt really remember if we had) but we stick up for ourselves and leave the queue. At this point our bladders are so full of Strongbow we HAVE to go, so we think 'sod it', and do a tandem pee by the blokes urinal thingy which provides much amusement to the weeing blokes.
We go off and have a dance in a tent with some live bongos, and then everything goes pear.
R sees her ex with his new woman and decides drinking even more would be a great idea. We see another few bands and in all of the excitement we miss the James Taylor Quartet whom I really wanted to see.
It's getting rather messy by now and Ruth keeps falling over in the mud and we keep loosing her. Then we all fall asleep on the grass and I wake up freezing cold. We eat a dodgy burger for six quid or something to try and sober ourselves up but it's no good.
We decide to at least to try and see James Brown (who was headlining). We get in the tent and Ruth gets lost and Charlie goes off to find her whilst Martin and I watch JB. We cant stop laughing at how white his teeth are, and M annoys several people by trying to climb onto their shoulders (he's very short) so I have to commentate. Half an hour later, we're getting bored as James Brown keeps getting 'guests' on to sing with him and all we want to hear is 'Get up, get on up.....', and we realise we've lost C and R.
We leave and find a distraught C and an inebriated R and we decide to leave. I then have to negotiate myself and R down a dark dirt track to get home whilst C and M have a blazing row as C felt we left her on her own.......
Somehow I end up in bed with my phone ringing. It's eight am. I answer the phone and it's R checking I got home ok. 'Yes', I reply, 'did we actually see many bands?' I ask. 'Dunno', replies Ruth 'But Glastonbury's in June, see you then and we can do it all over agin for three days this time.......'

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Time:	4:19 pm.
Mood:	sad.

Havent posted for a while as I've been up in Manchester spending lots of quality time with Neil. Had the best weekend I've had in absolutely ages, even though we were too poor to actually do anything that involved venturing out of his house for too long. Burst into tears as soon as I got onto the train to come home because as soon as the train pulled away I missed him like mad. Still feel a bit sad now, when a slushy love song comes on at work I come over all emotional!

Anyway, aside from that I found a hairdresser who respects long hair (seems to be a rarity nowadays!) and finally had a little bit chopped off.
Off to a festival this weekend. Hope the weather stays nice. Stomping around in the mud when its cold and raining whilst trying to retain some coolness is difficult! And besides, I dont want to wreck my lovely boots!

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Time:	8:40 pm.
Mood:	happy.

Yey! Manged to get time off of work to go and see Neil this weekend. Thank God for that! We are both so dying to see eachother as it's been almost a month now. Sometimes I just wish I could see him for one second and then everything would be ok and I'd stop missing him so much.

Told a good friend about Blood Dolls, and surprisingly she thought it was great. She says she wishes she had the guts to do something like that. I think she was a little surprised at some of the content (she hasnt seen the site yet, and I told her she'd have to pay to see the entire shoots like everyone else!!), and she wondered how on earth I'd gotten the idea in the first place, and that was a little hard to explain, because it sort of just popped in there!!
Anyway, it's made me much more confident to tell other people. It's not something that I intend to shout about, and there are some good friends of mine that I would just never tell because I know they would heve problems with it as much as I love them dearly. However, I am very proud of the way I look on the site, and I sort of want to tell people.
I'm planning on telling my brother, just because he is such a good friend of Neil's and it's hard having a secret like that. My parents are a different kettle of fish entirely! I dont think they would receive it well at all! I'm still their little (not so much now!) girl.
I'm off to investigate into a clit hood piercing tomorrow. I want to visit a few places to get some advice and to find someone who is experienced and knowledgable, and also someone who I wouldnt mind bearing all to!

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